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Ruppert's Suicide & Roadside Chickens

Blue Sun (transf/transc)
Michael C. Ruppert, a former cop and outside-the-box journalist and futurist, known for being a 9-11 Truther, but most especially known for his warnings about Peak Oil in such films as Collapse and The End of Suburbia, killed himself a couple of days ago. Very close friends assure everyone that this well-known pessimist has been suicidal on and off for well over a decade, and that the evidence he left behind assures them that he did indeed kill himself, as opposed to being killed in some conspiracy.

Greer, among others, lamented the loss of this man-- because his cogent reasoning about the dark future ahead of us was a needed voice to balance out the crazy optimists who currently hold sway and keep everyone preferring to believe in fluffy dreams. However, everyone is also disappointed that he didn't "stick around to see what happens next" because the future is always surprising, and not always in negative ways.

Its funny that what occurred to me when I saw the news about Ruppert was that I wished I could have shared an observation that I think lends us all a little hope. A small thing that nonetheless indicates a profound change on some fundamental level that people ARE starting to "get it" and shift how they deal with their own life.


Bear with me here. I have my own flock of rascals and I've sung the praises of chickens and organic egg production before plenty of times. What I find intriguing is how many people are beginning to agree with me, and not just in wish-fulfillment fantasies, but in reality.

I'm noticing more and more chickens grazing in yards and fields by the side of the road whenever I drive around somewhere. On nice days, out in the rural areas right next to suburbia, chickens are becoming par and parcel of the country scene. Granted, I live in the rural areas- but only just barely, and it wasn't so long ago (less than 10 years) that one could drive for hundreds of miles through all kinds of rural landscapes and rarely see chickens. I think I saw chickens in a normal coop on a farm less than 4 times as a child, and I lived in the country or next to it for at least a portion of my childhood. No one seemed to "do" chickens. Contrast the first 10 years of my life with the last 10 and the change is STARK.

Even at my birthday party, the cage of rapidly growing chicks in our kitchen were the partial stars of the show. Several friends wanted to know more about them, and I talked about various breeds and what it took to raise them and at least 2 households are seriously thinking about getting their own. Chicken ownership, I've noticed, is contagious. Not just the tasty organic, pastured or free-range eggs, but the birds themselves and their winsome personalities. Its like every chicken owner becomes a walking, talking advertisement for owning chickens!

On the news, small livestock ownership, especially for chickens and goats, has become more and more common, even in urban cities like Portland and Seattle. Communities are figuring out how to deal with roosters and their crowing, goats and their escaping, and how to police all these new small farms that seem to be springing up everywhere. In the last 10 years, for the first time in over a century, the number of farms is increasing rather than decreasing.

On a deeper level, what that means is that people CAN adapt, and will change, to meet the challenges of the tomorrows to come. Of course they will, and of course we are. Gardens and chickens are one small piece of this that can and will go much further. Of course not everyone can make such changes, but if even 1 out of 10 of those who could did, it would revolutionize food for everyone. And I feel like I'm seeing the beginnings of such a change, just one or two small steps towards the many needed adaptations, granted, but the new developments are rapid and even outpacing some of my most hopeful expectations.

I understand Ruppert's nihilism and lack of faith in humanity. I've shared it often enough myself. The problem with extreme views, however, whether too negative OR positive, is that they can close off our ability to view information that goes against our particular bias. I am naturally inclined to expect the worse, yet by striving to remain open, I can actually see signs that mean my first assessments about things were wrong.

Which is VERY good news!

Full Moon, Wine, Cupcakes & Friends

This year, I feel a bit spoiled for my birthday.

Firstly: gifts. I almost never get gifts from anyone but my husband and maybe one friend. Not so this year. The neighbor Natasha's mother gave me 3 little blue bottles for tinctures plus an elegant green glass candle lantern to use on a table on Sunday. Monday, Joy came over to hang out for a few hours before work-- she had to miss my party, so she gave me a book set of a fun fictional series (steampunk no less!) Today, Shayla gave me natural soaking salts for pain issues plus foot scrub and lotion for "barefooters" -- which, hells to the YEAH! Later I got a cool hand-blown glass bowl from my red-haired pagan glass-blowing friend (we'll call him 'Finnegan') -- he even did the design in my power color (which is a dark crimson red.) He and his wife, 'Ginger'-- also a red-head of course-- came over early to hang for a while with myself and Fara. Then I got herbs and tiny plant starts from 'Dara' (yet another friend from work). Lotions from Tess leftover from her Mary Kay days (a mismatch of interests if I ever saw it, Tess doesn't wear cosmetics more than a couple times a year...) An expensive all-natural scented candle from Camilla. And-- right in the middle of our cupcakes and wine and cheese and chatting-- Kalden and Natasha came over, babes in tow, bearing a very large bowl of homemade kettle corn!! Something my guests were most appreciative of, given that we were running out of nibbles!

Lots of catching up with Dara, who I haven't seen since last pre-Halloween. And a chance to socialize with Finn's wife, Ginger, who had more pizzazz and snap to her this time than when last we met. We determined Dara was a Type 7 on the Enneagram, and I compared 'updated' astrology personalities with the 2000 year old version that most believe themselves to be. Interestingly-- half the time people fit their 'new' sign, and half the time their 'old' sign. Fara and Dara both helped me bake cookies and cupcakes when I had to make second batches of goodies. I was very conservative on the drinking and barely got more than slightly tipsy, since with the hiking and such, I have to be very gentle on my body. Seems it was the right thing to do, as I'm not feeling so bad now before bed...

I think things have shifted from the "I'm not worthy" attitude I carried for way too long, and perhaps that has something to do with why people seem to be spoiling me this year. Just last October I mentioned a dream in which I realized I wasn't allowing myself to be nurtured enough to balance out the energy I expend on others' behalf:

It seems that trend is slowly reversing. I've had other gatherings on my birthday, but rarely had many presents to show for it (not that I even care that much, but there is a shift this year pretty obviously, so of course I have to wonder about it-- can't seem to help myself!)

And-- AND my husband is being extra sweet, patient, and spoiling me once more this year. We're going to the coast this coming weekend to stay in a really nice hotel, ocean and beach views from the windows, attending the Razor Clam Festival in Longbeach to have fun and go clamming ourselves.

You know, if I didn't know better, I'd get leery and start to suspect I'd been secretly diagnosed with a terminal illness. That's how stark the generosity and kindness seems to be to me lately. You'd think I'd just relax and enjoy it-- and I AM enjoying this very much and no mistake. I'm just not used to it I guess.


barebreast posies
We've worked out how to divide eggs with the neighbors (every other week, basically) and we already have some regular customers-- so far all friends and co-workers. I have 2 dozen more eggs being picked up by people who are also coming to my party tomorrow, and with that, for the first time since winter, we will be down to less than a dozen eggs!

That's amazing. We've had an issue with too many eggs most of the time, but my plan to offer the first dozen free to interested parties WORKED. Every single person who tried our eggs came back to PAY for more! Most of them at least twice now and I only started this in March, so whoop! whoop!

We're getting the egg-handlers license here soon, but honestly-- our fledgling egg business is growing easily. Its a darned good thing we are adding hens to the coop this year because, yeah-- we will have customers who can help us pay for feed. Already we can pay for the feed 100% based on our half of the eggs by selling extra eggs for just $3 a dozen, which is the going rate for "moving pasture" hens. (Plus ours are part-time free-range, roaming the yard in search of fresh greens, bugs, and slugs to eat! Weeding the dandelions and clovers for us-- and fertilizing the lawn. Its never looked better, quick frankly.)

Fara, Meka, Finnegan, Dawn, Tom and Pete are all regular customers now. We've even begun selling our extra salsa, plus our blackberry and white nectarine preserves! Again, people taste it-- first one is free-- and come back to return the jar and pay for the next, which should cover costs of sugar, salt, and such to make it in the first place and then some. Of course, its only a few bucks here and there -- but that type of thing adds up. What began as a money sink (because you have to pay for feed, salt, sugar, etc. for chickens and preserves) eventually starts to pay for itself and, if you're clever, a bit beyond that.

Plus it feels good to be making stuff that's all-natural and organic (even the sugar we use is raw organic sugar we buy in bulk with the neighbors to cut cost and split...) Little by little our "White Gables" brand (yes, I make homemade labels using that name) is expanding and finding more people who are willing to buy it. Maybe one day we'll have enough to participate in a local Farmer's Market, but we're not there yet.

Now A Pain Flare

til weary
Yesterday I was feeling better, got a few things done and then went on a 4-mile walk. Good enough.

I went to bed by 1 am, a little later than ideal, but I fell asleep soon after and only woke a few times due to being too warm or cool.

AND... this morning I awaken to a pain flare.


Needless to say, no walks for me today! Just regular daily stuff I have to do like feed animals, tend to seedlings, and straighten up a little. Otherwise, I pretty much have to just sit around after taking my meds and supplements, and hope the pain recedes.

Its frustrating. Its a beautiful day outside. Perfect in the mid-60s (not too warm to do stuff) and I'm miserable and nearly useless.

This is the thing about having the type of chronic illness I have and the issues that go with it-- people don't understand how hard it is to fight the whole "de-conditioning" thing. Just taking slow-paced walks or hikes 3 to 4 times a week is starting to create flares. I'm pushing my body to become more fit, and my body keeps trying to break down in response. I AM managing to strengthen my screwed up tendons and ligaments in my ankles and knees, which are still in bad shape after last summer's fiasco. That's something. But there is a high price to be paid for my attempt to do this.

I'm just so damned sick of being in invalid. My most favorite thing to do is hike in mountains and commune with nature and that has been so difficult for me. I may have to begin cutting down to 2 to 3 times a week for the long walks. If I'm still steadily working at it, maybe I can indeed re-condition and up my fitness levels.

For a couple of weeks at the beginning there, I felt really hopeful that this wouldn't be so bad. But now I'm starting to think I was too optimistic. I'm still going to do my best throughout the rest of spring, summer, and well into autumn. I have to try, just to see what's possible. At the very least, I will have a better notion of my limits now that I'm in my 40s.

One thing is for sure, though-- I can't put up with anyone advising me as if I'm like everyone else, only "wimpy" or something. If most people had to deal with my fog flares, pain flares, and fatigue flares I'm sure most wouldn't have adapted as well as I have. Before my illness, I was a very naturally active and sprightly person. Never robust, its true. My immune system was always pretty sucky... but I didn't have these issues and I can still remember that. My prolonged partial remission over the last decade has brought me back a taste of the normalcy I once took for granted, as all young people do. But even pushing this little bit lately is a major challenge, and though I have all the incentive and fucking STUBBORNESS in the world, I don't know how well I can possibly succeed.

I'm giving it a go, regardless. I'm committed. I'm going to try with everything I've got to do this thing.

But I swear I will blow a gasket in a big fucking way if I get any shit from anyone. I have no more patience for Gerick's jokes, looks, or lectures. He knows better. And I'm not putting up with anyone else talking to me like I don't know what I'm doing. I know more than any of them, and I learned the hard way-- through trial and error, endless hours of research, and the consequences of poor judgement-- mainly more flares, which are pretty much my body's built-in way of punishing me worse than any cruel or patronizing words ever could.

Pushing Through the Fog

mrg disapproves
The fog is lifting, and I managed to get a long list of chores done today. All I have left is some clothes to get from the dryer to put away soon. Among the chores I had was raking grass and I did maybe 4 piles before I realized I was just SPENT. I pushed to do a couple more, but then I just dropped the rake and walked away to sit down. Gerick finished raking and then he started gathering the piles in a wheelbarrow to throw to the chickens, then he stopped. So I finished.

By the time I was done, I was DONE.

I came in almost crying in exhaustion. I felt so frustrated that I can't handle just some simple fucking chores. None of them particularly hard or taxing, but it was very much as if they were super hard. Even though I wasn't feeling pain or fatigue today, it took very little to reach "beyond tired."

Once we were done we came in and I told Gerick I was wiped out, and he helpfully said, "How do you think I feel?" which massively offends me because that man just goes goes goes goes like the goddamned Energizer fucking bunny and he barely knows the meaning of the word tired. He can push through, whereas when I try it, I end up falling apart. So the comparison is completely and utterly unfair, even in jest.

That's the other thing, when I told him to clean up after his own mess in the sink, he was grumpy about it, but then he cleaned it and teased me-- and, you know what? I'm not in the mood to be teased right now. I'm kind of pissed and in the mood to fight, actually.

On FB, his dad posted some stupid-ass Xtian crap, and I said my shit, "under God" came later, blah-blah-- and an ignorant ex-neighbor of Gerick's family chimed in, daring to CORRECT ME with "NO! Our nation was founded on GOD!" blah blah.

So I called her ignorant, and said "how embarrassing for you", and then posted a site with facts and some quotes and just got obnoxious because I am so fucking sick of Xtians and their self-righteous, priggish, bullshit!

But also--?

I'm in a very BAD mood right now!

Just terrible. I'm angry. I think I'm frustrated because it feels like Gerick makes more work for me recently than he's helped. And I'm trying to get into better shape, and the consequence of it is that the rest of my life is getting obviously harder. Hard not to get pissed off about it sometimes.

I'm going to take it easy this evening and hopefully I'll feel better soon.

Fog Day

I hiked around 5 miles yesterday. Usually after that kind of effort I have a fatigue flaree. But this time I'm having a 'fog' flare, which is when I get extra stupid and clumsy for awhile. Looks like it'll be an interesting day!

I woke up after 11 am (after tons of sleep) and started falling as soon as I woke up. I kept banging into furniture and walls as I negotiated the process of simply getting dressed and voiding my bladder. Then I had to hold onto walls all the way down the stairs and it took me something like 17 tries to just feed the cats, let them out, get my drink, get my morning before-meal pills, clear my chair (so cat doesn't sleep in it), open my drink, and take my pills. Finally stting down again to open laptap felt like ultimate triumph! Over 15 minutes to just get to sit down again because I kept getting lost and forgetting and then remembering and then do part of a task but then forget again but then rmember and then get up to do it again.


No. NOt really argh. Because I've had this issue periodically for -- Jezus!-- 30 years now? Something like that. Don't make me count! But I feel like I roll my eyes at myself enough they shoud be falling out by now!

Final,y one ends up just laughing at themselves, because what more can you do? You're having a stupid day! YEAH . I have found that ther is one major plus to a stupid day-- the constant din of talking to myself in my head goes away by a LARGE margin. Its like imposed meditative state wihout the "om"! I already got my own "om" going on here, like--- buzzzzzzzzzzzzz-- for hours now.

Maybe by tomorrow my shit will work again. Right now, higher brain is on partial vacation. Enjoy it asshole! I need you back on track soon!


The Perpetual State of Surrender

Every now and again, I'll be listening to music, just flowing with it and not thinking about anything in particular-- when a sudden epiphany will come to me whole cloth and I just suddenly have a wider understanding of something.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about trauma and its effects upon people's lives. I've come to know so many people, mostly women, who lead devastated lives because of abuse from their past. For most, there is an uphill battle that requires too much strength to overcome alone. So their lives remain isolated, contracted, diminished from the great splendor of what they could otherwise create, produce, experience, etc.

I've been there, and I'm still working on my own issues of this nature. Although I've come a long way-- to the point of being a very different person-- I still have some distance to go and the memories of my own diminished life are very close to me. When I meet and come to know others undergoing the same struggle, I can't help but feel as if I am a "Sister Unarmed." I say that rather than "sister in arms" because what we have in common is a lack of fighting ability.

People who have had their self-esteem devastated by unrelenting criticism, physical and/or sexual abuse, long term neglect, and more seem to get trained to surrender rather than fight. Fighting back wasn't allowed in situations where someone else had control and enforced it with impunity. What's left are the ruined promises for a life, and a soul stuck in a perpetual state of surrender.

And THERE is the rub: How does one combat that which requires a fighting spirit-- when it is that very thing which has been systematically expunged from one's psychological repertoire? 

Healthy, self-defensive RAGE is needed to survive so many difficult circumstances, and many of us have had most of that suppressed and repressed into a state of near oblivion. Now to summon it seems next to impossible. Even when we try-- it feels so scary to "allow" into our behavior. We so fear becoming that which we hate and fear ourselves. We dread the consequences of something so justifiable as standing up for ourselves in even the most extreme of circumstances.

I want to change that. For myself, and for the others I know who have this issue. We need to learn to summon, control, and USE our anger for our own benefit. To demand others treat us fairly. To command respect. To take what is rightfully ours. And to prevent further abuse, denigration, or disrespect from anyone who has more than a momentary effect upon our lives.

May it be so!

Fitness Goals & A Shopping Trip

I feel pretty
A month ago, I began to walk from 3 to 5 miles about every other day steadily. Once I walked over 6 miles. But one week (last week) I was flaring too much to attempt it. However, this last week I got back on the horse and I'm plugging away.

I've lost a couple of pounds, but I'm not concentrating on that-- I'm mainly wanting to be stronger and be able to enjoy outdoor hiking without it being so challenging its more of an ordeal than an enjoyment. I LOVE hiking, but its become too hard to do the mountain hiking. So my goal is to build up my stamina and fitness levels to the point I can be a real hiker.

Shayla has been joining me, and sometimes Gerick or another friend takes me out and we hike the more easy and fairly level walking areas around here. I'm planning to graduate to the much harder mountain hiking by June if at all possible.

Already in one month I can walk 4 miles or more without much of an issue. Part of my problem is that the tendons and ligaments around my feet and ankles are in such bad shape-- much more so than muscles. But little by little they're starting to stretch out and work like they're supposed to. I've been switching from walking sports shoes to my "glove shoes" (Vibrams) and that seems to help because my feet and legs work differently in different foot gear.

Today, as a sort of reward and also as an incentive to stick to it, I went shopping with Shayla to buy some more clothing. Walking is sweaty and so I picked up lightweight, breathable tank tops and also a pair of Nike workout pants that are probably the most comfortable pair of pants I've EVER owned. They even make my PJ pants seem uncomfortable. They're $50 pants! I got them for $35 but still! Wow. They're supposed to breathe and wick moisture away which is great because I HATE being sweaty! If they hold up, I'll be buying more of them because already I'm in love with those darned pants.

Now if I can get a lightweight rain jacket (that breathes) and a couple of long-sleeved shirts that wick moisture away I'll be totally set-- but I have to do this a few pieces at a time because sportswear is expensive. But if I'm going to be serious about this, then its a good thing such clothing exists. I really want to keep at it.

Its pretty tough to keep up. I can only go every other day because quite often the day after a hike I flare at least mildly. I'll be dragging butt. I expect that and plan for it, but I'm thinking that my body will still keep getting more and more fit despite itself if I just keep going every other day or so. I also have to keep up the supplements (right now magnesium, glucosamine, and SAM-e are essential). Most importantly, no matter what, I have to pay attention to my body and when it tells me its tired or hurting, I CAN NOT PUSH IT. So far, I'm keeping to that (even when it meant taking a whole week off at one point) and I'm managing to continue without injuring myself or creating a severe flare. Man, its tricky though!

But, dammit, I want to hike outside in nature. I really want to. And right now I have several people who are motivated to join me so I'm going for it. I WILL CLIMB MY MOUNTAINS!!!
fu~k this sh~t
Last Sunday I watched a report on the stock market and how Wall Street is rigged in yet MORE ways than most fully understand-- mainly via HFT or "High Frequency Traders."

That report, which will fill you in nicely in 14 minutes, here:

Lewis is also making the rounds in the media including The Daily Show with John Stewart.

The take away from all of this is that our entire financial system is bogus, rigged, phony, bullshit, unfair, a sucker's bet, a shill game, etc. etc.  For those of us who have been studying the matter for some time, it feels like we're screaming and waving our arms to an army of zombies, totally uninterested in the fact that they're being used, abused, fucked over, and taken.

Yet this book is making an impact. The financial news channels are attacking it at length (because they're paid shills for sure, DUH!) and many people are commenting about it.

The house of cards is starting to shake!

Honestly, I LOVE it. I fucking hate liars and cheaters, and I for one and damned SICK to DEATH of the complicity of the masses. People need to wake the fuck up. And for whatever reason, you never know what will grab their somnambulistic attention. Eventually, people do tend to wake up and smell the lattes-- but for those of us shaking on a continual caffeine rush, the wait for that moment seems to last for fucking ever...

Regardless of my personal feelings, I'm expecting that this little piece of information will start to break the illusion that little bit more that will lead to other shake-ups down the road. I know it'll hurt, but it NEEDS to happen. Things won't get fixed until everyone acknowledges they are broken.


Birthday Plans

C'est moi
Looks like my birthday week will be busy...

My full moon wine & cheese will be on my birthday, and a few people will come over for that. (Monday night, just after midnight-- so Tuesday morning basically-- there will be a TOTAL LUNAR ECLIPSE, also called a "Blood Moon" and I'm reserving that for my own magickal rites.)

The weekend before my birthday may be spent at a ghost conference in Oregon City. Robin really wants to do a birthday thing with me (her birthday has just passed) and check out the speakers and tours and such-- plus take 2 days to just hang out with people who like to talk about ghosts. That's always been one thing she and I share an interest in. With all the ghost-issues I've been tackling lately, that makes sense. I don't know that she'll be able to be organized enough to carry it off, but maybe it'll happen.

Meanwhile, my husband has planned a trip out to the coast with me for a couple's weekend after my birthday. We're going to go clamming and hang out in a nice place right by the beach with an ocean view. Sounds fun to me! (Work for my food, dude!)

My birthday curse MAY be breaking. I've had several very nice birthdays in a row here, so I'm not feeling depressed or forgotten this time around!


Lucretia Heart

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April 2014


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